Sunday, December 31, 2017

My 2017, in review

I'm no good at pegging milestones to dates. In fact, the entire chronology of my life is one big hazy cloud. No recollection of what came before. Everything's diffused, each happening entwined with the next in this earphones-in-pocket tangle that I just can't undo.

So I'm jumping onto the oxcart. Going to do my own year-in-review. As a way to journal, measure, reflect upon and be grateful for everything that's touched me, and the ways in which I've grown. There are probably some ways in which I've regressed as well, but the brain does such a wonderful job of deluding us.

Some of the dimensions I regularly hop between:


The way we live today isn't how we've evolved. We've always belonged to tribes and villages. Through the millennia that our race has existed, we've had these extended families to lean on, each member playing a different role. And from these many people, we've come to expect security, stability, friendship, growth. And today all of those people have been reduced to a significant other. One person. What a ridiculous amount of pressure for that one person to be a friend, a confidante, a lover and a guide, all at once. This year, more than the ones before, reminded me how lucky I've been in this dept. Rheea Mukherjee, take a bow.

Health & podcasts

I was laid low for a couple of months this year with a one-two from dengue and a back that gave out on me. Bed-ridden for the most part with a couple of bouts of hospitalization. Now that I'm back on my feet, I've re-found my appreciation for being healthy and injury free. I'm a bit of a distance removed from progressively loading weight plates at the gym, but I've walked more this year than I ever have before. Podcasts, headphones, and I'm good to go. I average about an hour of brisk walking a day, which is god knows how many km. I listen to StarTalk Radio (cosmology and astrophysics), Radiolab and The American life (just solid journalistic storytelling), coupla health shows, interviews of good brains on shows like Altucher, Ferris, Asprey, the Moth (everybody has at least one story to tell), How I built this (entrepreneurial inspiration), and an eclectic mix of others.


Near and dear ones are doing well. My parents teach theatre to a group of younglings. It's symbiotic. The parents are filled with an energy that can only come when you are surrounded by new ideas, points of view, aspiration, etc, and in turn, the younglings are getting a good dose of wisdom and life lessons. For how spherically all this has come about, I'm thankful. Jelly has had a happy year for the most part. She had tick fever last week, but seems to have recovered. She's getting on in her years, and my folks are doing a wonderful job of giving her the best life a basset hound could ask.

Nimbu and Henna have also had a good year. They saw the sea for the first time, and have managed to keep their brattiness in check, which is a good thing considering all the pampering they've received from me, their mom, and their grandma Rose. They look forward to grandma's visits almost as much as I do.


2017's been a good year. Lots of learnings. We came close on a couple of occasions to taking Scribble Data off into the stratosphere, but they didn't pan out. For ridiculous reasons. But in hindsight, there were a number of microlessons there that have made us a better, well-footed business. Normally, I'd have thought that one learns persistence only after emerging on the other side of the struggle, but even though we haven't hit the big time yet, just the test that we're putting ourselves through is teaching me how to stay at it. Entrepreneurship is heady. The fact that I get to build my own menu of things to do, that will maximise the value of our business, is intoxicating. I'd turned down a significant job offer during the early part of the year, one that I'd probably have had to sell soul for, but that would remove any money worries. I think I'm married to being my own boss.


I've had a bunch of teachers this year. Work and its associated research, podcasts, youtube, Rheea. 2017's been a watershed year in terms of finding a balance between the distraction of every bright and shiny new topic to learn about, and going sufficiently deep into some of them that I realise how little I know, and can remain excited about how much more there is to consume. It reminds me of when I used to enjoy reading. Which brings me to one regression - I struggle to read, and have struggled now for a decade. There are too many time-efficient ways to learn, and to shoot up on entertainment, that classical reading is taking a backseat. I have to resolve this for myself next year.

On food

I've become, for the most part pesce-vegan. Most of my meals are vegan. This is a huge shift for me, and while I resisted it until as late as 2016, this year, I've come to embrace it as more of my identity.

No neat way to wrap up. Thanks for reading.

Friday, February 26, 2016

The wenches

These two. They sit a wall away from me at work. They screech like banshees when they get their coffee. They write friendship notes to each other. They giggle and scratch.

They also stoke the fire when it damn near extinguishes for me. They feed and nourish Piki. They bring a gaiety, a spring in the step that I need muchly for whenever I have one of those days. Few can boast of this luxury. They're going to be my ace-in-the-hole, gut says.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Unending Future

Earlier this morning, I asked her to pick up the dog and anything else she could tuck under her arm and leave. Packers, shippers and lawyers would take care of the rest.

She looked at me, unblinkingly, with a bitterness whose taste isn't unlike a childhood memory of when you were intentionally cruel to someone. You want to rid your system of this memory, but it's made its home in your head. You want to spit it out of your system, but it catches on to your clothes, your skin, and nothing can wash it off.

It was a sunny morning, leaves glistening in the light after the night's rain. Through the window, you could see in HD, the wet mango leaves and the stubborn dust that'd attached itself to each lamina. The tracks of water on these leaves hadn't scrubbed them clean.

She turned around, slowly, and slipped her feet out of her sandals. There was a reverence to this moment for both of us. The culmination of years of searching for each other, followed by the onset of a realization that hang on, this is great and all, but we can't live with each other. One of us was a manipulative wench, and the other, an asshole of vedic proportions. The implosion was imminent.

She slowly lowered herself to the floor, and picked up her sandals, gripping them tight so the blood seceded from her knuckles. Her lower lip quivered, and a tear escaped her eye. It's always been these little things that scratched at my scabbed core of love. Like blowing at kindling. The return of fondness would start with a warmth near the throat, and set the worms of logic crawling for cover. In that instant, I’d again be mesmerized how, at once, beautiful and sad she could look. The heart would be called to action. It’d quickly shove aside the furniture to make room for her again.

If you've ever loved, then you know the thrill of the woo, that feeling of triumph at the conquest, the giddiness of the honeymoon that follows and the plateau of everything else after. I didn't have any of these. I'd first met her when we were kids. The crush followed shortly, though I didn't let on, not least because she always seemed to have one boy or another to link arms with.

Instead, I said mean things, pretentious things, that were calculated to complement my general supercilious air - to show her how I was beyond these puppy loves, how my world was one of books and numbers (not prodigiously so, just enough to give an air of precocity), and how, most definitely, I couldn't give a hoot about her or her latest arm-link.

We kept in touch over the years, her more than me. It was easier for her, most definitely. After all, what did it cost her to call me? I figure the thought process was simple for her - a hmm-wouldn't-mind-me-some-snappy-repartee-for-the-next-five state of mind. A bit of 'remember when you said/did, and then I did/said'? All good fun, and a neat way to see her through her drive to class, in another college, another city, another country. For me though, it would be another sleepless night, sifting through the mental recording of each inflexion in her tone, each lilt in her laugh, peeling back word after word of our conversation in the hope that there, in that word right there, lay her permission to me that said 'go on, make a pass at me.'

I never found it. I remain, to this day, very thick.

So I did as best as I could, always cordially replying, and keeping her on the periphery of the crowd that I felt amenable to the idea of me. On occasion, I'd be so bold as to send her an innocuous (but hope-laden) invite to come visit but this would be met with a smile, the likes of which ruffle your hair, and thank you, with a peck on the cheek, for being so sweet.

She had no idea, absolutely none, as to how heels-under-head I was about her.

Years later, when circumstance and that most unlikely of collaborators, the uni, decided I'd been matadored enough, I found an opportunity to tell her how I fancied her. I expected she wouldn't be put off by the thought, but not much more. She smiled, I like to think, coyly. We’d both come from recently upended worlds, and there was a sense that the serendipity that brought us to this moment would also act as a guardian for this relationship, should such a thing come to pass.

It's still hard to believe we’ve been together a year. She likes an eco-system of spontaneity, of adventure, uncertainty and non-conformity. I've struggled with these every day while I've been with her because I possess none of these attributes. I loved planning for the future, putting money away for when we’re toothless, and re-watching Rajkumar Hirani movies. But I'd lashed myself to her. Tightly knotted ropes around her. If it meant the odd pretence, really, what was the harm? Non-conformity? Sure. Uncertainty? I could dash out doses of that too. I couldn’t afford to let my façade slip. If it did, I know I’d be pushing her away.

Thankfully, I'm the finest actor I know. I'm propelled less by my passion for the stage than by the conviction that if I take off the mask, if I show her how different she and I are, it'll blow out the flame. I made sure to talk a great game. We’d make a series of contracts for how long we'd be together, each a month long, to be renewed at expiry. This uncertainty would create a playful volatility, and that she liked.  I’d plan trips to the exotic and the remote. I’d make up stories about my past. I’d frequently hide a bunch of gandhis under a mattresses, and scatter the rest to the winds. I could be quite colourful when the need arose.

Heroes are sculpted out of the same plasticine as the rest of us, but with a lot of tempering. And I was convinced that there was a higher purpose to our fights. To make me a better man, one more responsible, and generally nicer. A small-time hero. Where my mother failed, this woman would succeed. This tempering would naturally be difficult, and repetitive. This is all the explanation I could come up with as to why we fought the way we did.

Even in our better moments, her each gentle rib would start on me like spirit on an ember. And this was vexing, when you considered how much I loved her. Like squeezing sand, all of this simply made it harder for me to hold on to her.

I remained scared to show her the unending future that I dreamt about spending with her. Because it hardly made for good literature, this business of thick, horizon-to-horizon love, let alone a good story.

Which brings me back to this morning. I found her reading my journal. One that she knew was mine, and personal. Where I'd filled the pages with my architecture of the unending future, the dream one, from the accents of the bedroom in our retirement home, to the steps she needed to take to cash in my LIC policy. Most damning was probably the chapter on choosing a school for our kids.

She looked up at me from the journal and said "You want kids?? You’d said you didn’t care. I'd made my stance about this clear, hadn't I?"

I didn't know where to begin. I'd been very precise, very detailed in my writing. The soul, as it was, was fairly bared in those pages. No sleight, no concocted story could fix this.

I suppose I panicked. I made it all about the invasion of my privacy, the audacity of it all, and how was I to trust her again. She protested. She said that that wasn’t the point, that she only chanced on my journal and was curious about whether there was a writer in me. These things have had a way of escalating quickly between us. We both said things we shouldn’t have, she more than me.

I asked her to leave me. Either way, it’d only be a matter of time even if I didn’t. She knew I was mostly fraudish. I asked her to leave, hoping she’d return, knowing she wouldn’t.

She wiped the tear, and stepped forward lightly with her right foot, and turned her shoulders away from me. Her grasp of physics, of torque, potential energy, and levers, had always been intuitive. As she swiveled in my direction, I busied myself estimating exactly how deadly the force with which the sandal would fly at my face.

I should've ducked instead. 

I had no idea, absolutely none, about how much this woman loved me.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

                                                   main( )


                                                                 printf ("hello, world"); 


I used to think I'd perfected it, this business of meeting with the world everyday, but lately, my smoothness had started to slip.

A world ago, when I was at university in montreal, I woke up one day realizing I was screwed - I wasn't going to be able to make rent for the next month. I was two days late paying tuition for that semester. Canara Bank had taken their time wiring me my loan, and the university had fined me a percentage point of my course fees. This threw my carefully budgeted finances out of time.

I had a few options in front of me - I could borrow money from one of the Dubai kids that studied with me. My roommate too was pretty well off and often offered me money. He thought nothing of spending $70 on a date, like he did the night before. On a girl I liked. $70. That’s two weeks’ dinner – 14 big macs and fries. I should have taken the bastard’s money.
I suppose I had some sense of pride.

Instead, I posted an ad on my university’s bulletin board. There were others too like mine, but I thought I came off decently in those 50 words.

“I think foreplay is huge fun. I can listen, or tell you stories and sing you songs. I will work incredibly hard to make sure your evening is a memorable one. My french is terrible, but I will love your accent. You can make fun of mine, at no extra charge.

Asking: $50/evening

Call 514-833-8285 so we can see if we click.”

I got 3 calls that very evening. One of the callers was a guy. I figured I had already put myself well out there, into escort land, so why start to draw lines now? He sounded like me. Genuine-ish. I decided we weren’t going to bring my sexuality into the picture just then. We met at his place two days later. I remember walking home around dawn, when the street lights, no longer needed, brought some warmth to the deadness of the city.

It wasn’t long before I gathered the courage to head to the intersection of du Parc and Laurier, Montreal’s best known business area for the fille de joies. This effectively stripped me of any euphemisms, like escort, listener, or the evening’s entertainment. I would wear a long kurta, and a wooden bracelet. I’d bring my guitar with me for effect. An adolescent misstep. The ladies on that street seemed amused. I was upset that they didn’t think me a threat. Yes, gigolos do not walk the street like hookers do, and yes, I was probably coming off rather cute for my impudence, my naïveté, but I was still there to make money. I consoled myself that it was because our markets overlapped but minimally - not enough for me to be considered competition.

It was still going to be a few weeks before I understood how god-awfully pretentious all of this was, so I began to sing for the women and the trannys. That first night, I did the only two french songs I knew. By the week after, we were doing Bengali songs, and an older lady brought a cajon to play along. By the end of each night, I was invariably the last one on the street. It was on a Tuesday during my third week there, that I was told to fuck off. It was fun they said, but I was neither cute enough for them to continue paying off the cops for me, nor serious enough about prostituting myself that they should respect me.

I wish they’d told me earlier about this business of having to pay the cops. I counted out fives, and twos and my last ten till I had $50. I stuffed the money into the palm of the one that told me to fuck off.

I was out of the street-walking business. My pride about matters financial was still intact.
During my Ph.D at a state school in the southern united states, I’d been running simulations on a computer for three nights straight. I was part of the photonics department and I’d come there to research and develop cutting edge lasers for optical data transmission. Also perhaps for cancer-cell blasting.

I got up to get myself some gummy worms from the vending machine, and as I walked past the laser laboratory, I found one of the newer lasers we’d bought pointed right at the glass entrance door. I punched in the security entrance code and walked in. This particular laser operated in the blue range of the colour spectrum. Blue is such a brilliant colour, when it concentrates itself into a ray. ‘Brilliant’, I whispered in my head. I couldn't bring myself to say it aloud but it bounced around the walls of my skull. It vibrated against my inner ear and formed a residue on my tongue that I just had to spit out.

I spent the night arranging the lasers, red, blue, violet, carefully. I pointed them at mirrors, and the mirrors at themselves. When I’d finally flip the switch, the darkened room would be awash with crisscrossing beams of light. I suppose I also knew that it would be only a moment’s spectacle, because the lasers would fry each other, the way I’d aligned them.
I was ejected from the University a week later. I imagine some of my friends in India were pleased with the news. I had now become that much easier to outpace.
This tussle between apathy and a need to fit in has helped center me. It’s held my life taut against the expectations, against my own failings.


I’ve tried to find patterns in my life to figure out what next will trigger a tumbling of my card house, but it’s been more random than my math can predict.

I’ve begun to feel a detachment from myself. This is where I’ve probably been headed all along. This prime spectator's view. No longer simply the actor, now I was becoming the ghost that straddled the end of the stage, loosening the rivets from my actor’s body and coalescing into the seats, front and center.
I started a business of my own not long after. It doesn’t really matter, the chronology.
I sold large Indian double doors in Kampala, real estate in Toronto and sushi in Bangalore. The idea was to seal vacuums as soon as I spotted them.

Once, on the mysore-ooty highway, in the dead of night, the headlights of our car caught a flash of ivory in the distance, off to the side of the road. I don’t think my friend who was driving had seen it. I had though. I left the conversation and turned to watch this movie play out in slo-mo. The pitch of voices and laughter and music and beer dropped low. I saw the elephant move toward the road. I didn’t want to miss a moment. So it was especially infuriating that I needed to blink right then. My eyelids never felt more unresponsive. They closed like the shutters of a Bengali sweet shop at noon, slowly, but with clarity of intent. Then, for what seemed an hour, the shopkeeper had his little siesta, and finally opened the eyelids again. By now, the elephant, moving drunkenly, had stepped onto the road.

Our car was Bharat IV certified. Very quiet, save the idiots inside the soundproof, a/c-ed cabin.

It wasn’t like I thought it would be. We simply glanced the tusker’s right front foot. Somewhere above the knee. The car slowly careened off to the side of the road. I was happy to see the speedometer at a 110, on this narrow road, where the signpost clearly said 70. If we were going through with this, it wouldn’t do to underachieve.

Anyway, we glanced his foot. I turned my neck to watch him through successive windows. He stood there staring into the night, his face like a taxi with doors open. Then his hindlegs buckled. I could’ve sworn he let out a trumpet before he hit the ground. But I left that part out of the police report. It would have sounded facetious. My friend, the driver also died. The other two were taken to a hospital. Naturally, I went too. It wouldn’t do to walk out erect from the crash after we’d just felled an elephant.
Sometimes, when I’m done writing, or thinking, which is usually late evening, I pour myself a rum and diet coke. I often wish I was sophisticated; perhaps a drinker of scotch or some fine liqueur, but one’s unpalatable and the other’s spelt liqueur.

It’s usually the time that my neighbours come home too. All of them, the one across the street with the benz, the one to the right with the pool, and the one on the left without. They work for an IT company. They tell me they are important people at work. They take a bus home, and it drops them at the gate of our compound. They carry briefcases, and their shoes make a feminine clickety-clack sound on the pavement. I suppose they are important people.

They are men of sophistication. I can see them through their windows, and over my headphones, and if needed, on my laptop. They discuss the mundane with their wives, and tend to their children. They also tend to drink. When drunk, they meet at my house. Here, they discuss swapping wives, but only in jest. Their wives would beat the living crap out of them. My house is a safe place.
I’ve learnt how to make small talk. When I meet people, I’ll quickly ask them about their happiness quotient on a scale of 10. The question will disarm. And because it is so personal, but short of prying, they will start up their mental abacus, moving beads in response to the flashes of memories of recent events. They will typically go back up to a week, take stock of everything good that’s happened (+1), check if anything terrible has happened (-1, or -2), and divide by some number that represents the general pall of gloom/ray of sunshine at work or home.

Once they’ve told me the number though, they’re more exposed than they thought they’d be. Now, I could use the opportunity to give them my own HQ, but I prefer to right things. So the conversation still remains about them. Initially abstract hypotheses about why that low score quickly funnel into detailed conversations about the bad performance review at work, or that half-wit of a husband.

I enjoy righting things.
I had devised ways to charm. Such as listening intently. Speaking first when a silence got too awkward – This attempt at lightening mood is never polished, but still appreciated for effort.

Detachment before I seemed too interested. Callbacks to a previous minute detail you thought I missed when you’d mentioned it.

I also did self-deprecation. Jokes about my social awkwardness, weight, ethnicity. I did, however, make note of those in the crowd that laughed loudest.

Lately though, my smoothness had started to slip.

Lay Low

Years ago, as a journalist for that intrepid fortnightly, The Intrepid Fortnightly, I had occasion to interview the executive committee of The Great Indian Laughter League (GILL - a trying-too-hard acronym, but I hypothesized that it was probably crafted this way for numerological reasons).

Word on the street, i.e. Cubbon street - beside where the club met every Sunday, was that the club's numbers were dwindling. Surely this must've been of concern to their executive board.

I showed up towards the end of that week's session of GILL on a yellow-gray Sunday afternoon in Bangalore, expecting to have a few words with John Joseph, the club's president. The sound of a hundred different people laughing can be a little unnerving - the low rumblers, loud guffawers, the shy gigglers and the high cacklers together make for an unearthly cacophony, but if you listen closely to the cycles, punctuated by when they pause to fill their lungs with air, you can tell that the old birds are generally having a good time.

The median GILL member was about 80 years old, middle class and of uncertain gender (perhaps smarter to say that GILL didn’t discriminate based on sex). I rode with them to their premises in a small office building in Indiranagar. I'd had no idea that they were this official. Three of us walked through a dimly lit corridor. I could hear strains of Adnan Sami's "Mujhko bhi toh lift karadey", but the music was so low that it might've been my imagination.

John must've been 80, but was still a giant of a man, so he had to crouch as he entered the little conference room. There were a couple of chairs at either end of a stretched-circle table.

'Shalini, your good name, correct? Very common name' said John.

'That's right', I replied. 'On both counts' I said, but this time using my inner voice.

'You have come for interview purpose?'

'Yes, I wanted to learn about GILL. I've heard that you've lost 15 members over the last two months. Is the charm of laughter therapy decreasing among Bangaloreans?'

Muthu, who was the treasurer of GILL, had been quiet all this while. He had lively eyes, hidden under the bushiest, whitest eyebrows I've ever seen. His mouth was twitching. I wasn't sure if this was because he wanted to speak, or just general loss of muscle control. I decided to turn towards him, hoping to find a friend.

Turned out he did want to speak. 'See, people actually do not understand laughter therapy. What happens no, it actually does not do any good for your heart or anything. No heart benefit, no intelligence benefit, not even sex benefit. Still, we are okay. We like to laugh. When we laugh, stress is gone. For a short time only, but it is gone. Sadness is gone. Only happiness. Tough, very tough to be sad when you are laughing like that.'

'I see', I said. I hadn't been following the latest studies on laughter therapy, but I did imagine it was all a bit of fluff, like Muthu had explained. 

'Is that why you're losing members then? Are they realising that simply pretending to laugh will not solve their medical issues?'

Muthu looked over at John. John in turn was staring daggers at me. My impertinence hadn’t done me any favours.

'Muthu’, John growled, ‘I said that time only, we are not requiring this interview business, ma. Why you called her?'

Muthu blinked from under his eyebrows. He rubbed the back of his hand against his white stubble while squinting at me. He turned to John - 'She is Lila's granddaughter'.
'Oh', said John. In that moment, I felt his gruffness leave the room. His eyes suddenly became warm and he leaned forward in his chair. I could feel a gentleness diffuse through the room.

My grandmother's name was indeed Lila. She had lived a full life - colourful, adventurous, never still and never short on love. In fact, she loved as ferociously as she was loved. If you wanted sunshine today, you headed over to my grandma's. She was never more alive, more positive about life than when she moved into a senior's home three years ago, where she had made a number of friends. She died in her sleep a couple of years ago, peacefully, and as we were told, happily.

'No, actually, we are having a waiting list. Too many people are wanting membership. Every month we become more popular'. John's voice had grown unmistakably loving.

'I don't understand. Why are some of your members leaving then?'

'They are not leaving our club. They are leaving this life.'

I was surprised to hear this. It was true I hadn't bothered to check where the members were leaving to. All I was interested in was why the number of GILL members that showed up every Sunday at Cubbon park had started to drop off so steeply. I suppose I was also surprised because though I didn't believe laughter therapy did you any good, I didn't think it killed you off either, advanced years of these members notwithstanding.

'See. Firstly, please you turn off the recorder, ma', John said, and I complied.

'Laughing is good when we are together. But afterwards, when we have gone home, that time?'

I felt the weight and pause of this question. This wasn't rhetorical. I knew. I usually chose to ignore, but I knew. The curse of old age, its ills and banes, valleys and trenches, I knew. I'd visit the odd elderly relative perhaps once a month. I'd bring him some sweets, ask about his health. Then when he was midway through his answer, which was this immutable drone of soft complaints to god, I'd cut him off by telling him the latest on that ne'er-do-well nephew, or about the plans I had for my career and where I was going to travel. It was like walking the dog. Surely that was entertainment enough. 

And even as I'd leave, I'd feel relieved that he wasn't asking me to stay. I knew he would like it if I did, but then I also knew that he would feel awkward about it, and so he wouldn't. I relied on that awkwardness. 

Worse, I knew what his life would be like until I visited again. I knew the bleakness. I would see it in his smile the next time I visited. In its benevolence. That smile would say 'Thank you for visiting. Thank you, thank you, thank you.' And yet, it'd have a measure of restraint so as not to pressure me into staying longer than I wanted to. Or committing to visit the next time sooner than I realistically could.

'That time, how we can able to laugh? If we laugh, we will be sounding like fools ' said John.
'And not because there is nobody to laugh with us, but because there is just nobody', added Muthu.

He continued - 'Two years ago, we were in the same home as Lila. She was a very joyful person, no doubt. Every night at the mess, she would sit down to eat and ask us to pray with her. Same prayer every time "Hey Bugvaan, mujhe lay low". Everyday we would laugh and then eat. One day she told me "You know Muthu, I am not joking about death. I miss my husband. I miss my children. I cannot remember your name or anybody else’s name most of the time. Every day, I am having thirteen medicines and then dialysis. It is too expensive. And for what? I have seen everything I want to see. Now, I just want to go." '

I didn't know where to look. We had obviously failed her as a family, but she didn't let it show. Or perhaps she did, and we chose to ignore it.

'That is when we are formed our club', said John. 'We first started with only three members - Muthu, Lila and myself.'

Muthu joined in - 'We would meet every day to discuss options, like psychiatry, or telephoning your family to explain the problem, but Lila made us understand that she had lived a full life.’ 

‘Then one day, we read one article about euthanasia', said John.

He didn't have to say more. The Laughter League was a front, a call to bring in those that needed help. I looked at them, helplessly, and thankfully – the founders of the Great Indian Lay Low club.

The Revolution Begins


1. The pantheon of Full gods
2. Devikas - Regular Full apsaras, that lined the courts of the Full gods
3. The pantheon of Lesser gods  - including Half-Shiva and Half-Brahma
4. Laukikas - Lesser apsaras, some of whom were ex-Devikas, that courted the Lesser gods

As one of the Lesser gods, Half-Shiva had many good things going for him - his godly body, a near-perfected vibhuti trick, the ability to teleport himself (short distances only) and that sly wink that he could do with his third eye, among others. The demi status suited him fine, because with lesser powers, came lesser responsibility. For the most part, this meant he had time on his hands to do as he pleased with his groupies. All that held him back was a frustration that stemmed from being but a lesser god.  It damaged his sense of self-worth, creating a ragingly low libido.

The Laukikas, that second-tier entourage of apsaras that had to make do servicing only the Lesser gods, were not doing well as an enterprise. A faction of them had just been made homeless at the dawn of Half-Brahma's personal kalyug. Half-Brahma's popularity among humankind had all but tanked over the last few centuries, so H-B decided to renew an oath of chastity. He hoped this would endear him to the overtly pious, as also to those that weren't getting any. Fifteen of the lesser apsaras were sent back to the Laukika quarters, wages paid in full.

The Full gods, together with the Devikas, had a good chuckle about the whole affair.
"Enough is enough!", said Urvashi, the leader of the Laukikas, to herself. This battle between the Full gods and Devikas on the one hand, and the Lesser gods and the Laukikas on the other, had gone on long enough in favour of the former. The contentedness of that lot  rankled her. The Full gods had busy, action-packed lives what with the millions of disease-ridding, milk-drinking, new-car-inaugurating wishes filling up their inboxes. The Devikas, in turn, received lavish gifts for simply stroking the egos of these gods. Basically, their damn cups runneth over.

Indra, a Full god, in an attempt to use dialogue, explained - "Our sense of self-worth is tied closely to what we do, and to the prayers of our devotees. We are paid every morning in pedas and bananas and silk clothes and ganga dips. As a result, there's not much frustration for us to take out on the members of our apsara harem." What he was getting at was that the Full-god lingams and the Devika yonis made love long time.

The Lesser gods, on the other hand, were neither prayed to, nor particularly busy. The lubricant of self-esteem was low. The nights were lonely, and they had been playing a supporting role to the Full gods for so long now that their lives felt like old socks, crispened by the many cycles of human birth and death, yet ignored by those very humans.

Urvashi and Tilottama, who had been ejected from the harems of several Full gods, met one evening to discuss the situation the Laukikas were in. They needed a PR boost if they wanted to get back in the game. Else, they stood to lose even their Lesser god clientele to the Devikas (i.e. the Lesser gods that could afford it) or worse, to more oaths of chastity.
They met with Half-Shiva in one of the back-alleys of Amravati.

Half-Shiva: "You want me to do WHAT?"

U and T:"It's easy, all you have to do is host an orgy with the Laukikas"

Half-Shiva was both excited and terrified by the prospect, for obvious reasons. 

U and T: "It's okay, the Laukikas are going to get busy with each other, you just need to arrange for the bhang. When it's over, all that people will remember was that Half-Shiva held an orgy, and that it was epic." U and T then high-fived each other for that last choice of word.

Half-Shiva stared long and hard at them. He did this partly because he wasn't sure how much they knew about his muted tandav in the bedroom, and partly because this was the only way to use these adjectives in the context of Half-Shiva. They patted him on the back. "It's okay, this sort of thing is common." Especially among the Lesser gods.

And so it came to pass, the orgy was held. Half-Shiva made sure the bhang was free-flowing, and the Laukikas turned up, resplendently gaudy. It rained for five days and five nights as the orgy plumbed new levels of debauchery. Debashree, one of the more mature Laukikas, had invited the divine paparazzi to photograph her in various bendy positions with Half-Shiva, Urvashi and Tilottama pouring bhang over the naked bodies. Several blurry videos were leaked, as were reports of how finally, on the fifth night, in a state of maddened frenzy, a new Ganga burst forth from Half-Shiva. 

All of this press did wonders for the Laukikas. Overnight, inquiries from the secretaries of various Full gods started pouring in - "Are you available in the next Yuga? Full Vishnu is currently committed to the Devikas, but definitely interested"; "How much for one millenium?"; "If we take twenty, any group discount?"

Half-Shiva himself was being considered for promotion into the Full god pantheon. Again, a prospect that both excited and terrified him.

He met with the other Lesser gods. "What do you think? Should I accept?"

Half-Brahma nodded, sagely. "It's time, H-S. This was meant to be. The revolution will begin from within their own ranks. Soon, they will be Full gods no more."

(To be continued. Unlikely though)

Sunday, December 09, 2012

A throne's tale - I

"Listen to me. I didn't slip up yesterday. I called them off. They were going to club you to death. I called them off."

"The sun is blinding. Just turn me around, let's talk. We can figure this out. C'mon let's talk. Like we're kids again. We can figure this out."

"You can have it. All of it. The money, the game, everything. Take the whole goddamn city. They deserve you. You were always baba's favourite."

"No, come on! This is not how I want to go. I know I didn't miscalculate. There's good in you, ma would simply say it, but I believed it."

"How you've fallen. I loved you. I still do. I thought you were better than this."


There must've been love. How could there not? He was the most adorable little thing. How could you not want to pick him up in your arms? Cheeks that chubby ki you just wanted to squeeze 'em, but yes, I couldn't see him cry, so no, not that hard.

I was always very protective of him. I wasn't four when he was born, but I feel like I knew exactly what my role was going to be. I was going to be playmate, teacher, tormentor. He was going to be my scapegoat, my ball of wet clay.

See, we were going to inherit the city. Or one of us was, anyway.

My father was in jail. Had been since before I was born. My brother was born of a conjugal visit. I learnt that baba ran his matka empire just as well from his cell as he did from his rooftop office in Malad before the pandus took him away.

The routine in jail was the same. Every night, at 11pm, he would draw three cards from a freshly opened deck. All the while surrounded by prominent politicians, sundry filmstars, and always the jailer. Do a straight add of each card, and that's the number that in seconds would be transmitted to every corner of the city. Phones would fall off their cradles getting the numbers across to the bettors, pagers would beep, and the bets would start to pour in.

Never did he draw the second hand a moment before midnight. By then, crores of rupees would have crossed the tables of the dalal network he'd set up throughout the city.

And then my father's bookies in every alley would begin their payouts. Promptly and accurately. The intoxication here was the crazy odds that he offered. Guess three digits out of a possible 8, and take home two and a half times your bet. No bet too small or too big.

Today, they say he had an elaborate mechanism to figure out which numbers to draw on his second hand to reduce the payouts. Statistics collated instantly from the corners of the city and transmitted through the bars of his cell, whispering digits into his eardrums. Hah. A likely story. There existed no such technology. There still doesn't. And even if he pulled off this voodoo to figure out those numbers somewhichhow, tell me about the second draw. He was still watched by those veinshot eyes. His each move, the single flick of each. How was he to draw these magic numbers? I mean, forget the how, just imagine the balls it would take. But then again, if I had this figured out, I'd probably have kept the crown of matka pasha. Baba made more money each night than the chief minister made in a month (relief funds included).

My brother and I were born to the same mother. She did not favour me over him, nor ulta. He would reach for my hand when we needed to cross the road, and I would fold his tiny fingers into my palm. I spent my pocket money on those candy cigarettes for him, bought him his first guitar, fought off kids that bullied him at school.

It wasn't always as sunny between the two of us - I would lose my temper on occasion, when the duffer wouldn't get geometry, or physics. But what was there not to get? I'd smack him then. He wouldn't protest. He could see how much I wanted him to be a better version of me. A handsomer boy, a more talented poet, sportsman, musician. Over the years, he did grow up to be that accomplished. I learnt later that what drove him was spite.

He must have been 13 the day he understood the stakes of the matka kingdom. I was 17, and leaving home for the first time to go abroad - Switzerland. I was about to leave for the airport, when news arrived that our father was not going to be carrying out the matka that night in prison. No further word as to why not. A large crowd had assembled outside the gates of our house. They demanded to know what was going on. They were there because they'd become addicted to matka.

Have you ever read a crowd? They say before Hendrix got on the stage at Woodstock, the otherwise raucous crowd suddenly went quiet. If you looked into a single, mellow bandana-ed soul, you'd gather nothing. No one individual could tell you what was about to happen. If you could read the pulse of the collective though, you'd know they knew. Their unified consciousness knew that a storm was about to tear through them. Hendrix was going to make it rain.

It's a good thing though that I had no such crowd-reading abilities. Not because it wasn't a handy skill, but rather, because the instant dread of that reading would likely have rooted me to the floor. Today, I imagine that if I had only looked closer into the membrane of the crowd, I'd have been able to see through the pores and the confusion, that spectrum of emotion would have crystallized into my gut, and told me what to do next. Amidst the curiosity-filled eyes, there were others that twitched nervously. Amidst the mutterings of prayers for matka pasha, there were quiet tongues within hardened jaws. Some of them were coming off large wins and the drug was in their system. Others must have owed large monies and it was only matka that would save their skin. That, or dakaiti.

We should have fled. Instead, as the head of the house, I stood there dumbfounded as time screeched into quiet. My mother was at my side. I could tell she was agitated, but I was mesmerized by the crowd. She was screaming my brother's name when the first stone crashed into the bay window on the second floor. I saw the darwan drop his stick as he ran past the house, away from the entrance. I suppose it was just as well. The iron gates would have crushed him when they fell.

The TV in the next room should have been drowned out by the crowd, but like it would happen again ten years later, the news seemed to lift itself to that annoying notch, the pitch of the mosquito, where despite the cacophony, the caster's voice cut through the curtains of noise - the Matka Pasha had hung himself in his cell, and the city was going into curfew immediately to quell any unrest.

It would be atleast 20 minutes until the police got here. By then we could have been burnt alive by the crowd, such was the sudden unreason in their eyes. My mother clutched at me, and we looked around for my brother but he was nowhere to be found. I ran out onto the balcony to see if he was there. The crowd was now charging down the garden path, men, women, the well-heeled and the troddowns.

I froze for the second time in the space of a few minutes - my brother, in his shorts, was walking out the front door and towards the rampage. He had a matka in his hands.

The sight of this sliver of a boy was like the firing of a water cannon. It brought the crowd to a dead halt. Perhaps his defenseless form triggered some spark of humanity, and they lowered the stones they'd picked up on the road outside.

I've seen standoffs in movies. They'd always felt comical. Sure, the gunslingers were sweating, knotted brows and all, but the sheer idiocy of the situation, where there was this formality to the duel despite how in a flash it would turn so primitively savage, always made me chuckle. I felt none of that idiocy in the air today. I needed to pull my brother back into the house, behind the oak doors. This lull was only a moment of reasonableness. Any second now, that blind fury would resettle behind the eyes of the mob, and they would trample him to death.

That's when he lifted that matka above his head and brought it crashing down to the ground. The hardened mud pot fractured into tiny pieces around his feet.

He sat down on the ground and pulled out a deck of cards. He had his toy megaphone with him. He called for five people from the crowd to step forward, and asked them to put down a thousand rupees each. He then shuffled the cards, and read the crowd the new rules of Matka. The Matka Pasha might have passed away, but "Flash Matka" was born that afternoon.